New place, new challenges

Well, I'm finally getting pretty settled into my new job and new apartment on the west coast. So far things are going very well. I lost a little bit more weight, but for the most part i'm doing a pretty good job maintaining my weight. Some weeks I gain a little and other I lose a little.

Everyone told me during my weight loss that that was the "easy" part and maintaining the loss was the hard part. They were definitely right! Its been a little hard, but so far I feel like I'm doing pretty well. I'm continuing to use some of the HMR foods where it is convient. Specifically, I do an entree for lunch, usually oatmeal for breakfast and some kind of shake fruit combo for desert at night. Its a pretty comfortable routine for me, and really helps keep me on track. It usually means that I have plenty of calories to "spend" on dinner, which means I've been able to have things like pizza and hamburgers and it isn't totally knocking my off track.

One of the hardest things for me is making good decisions at resturants, but I have a companion that really really helps. My cell phone, and diet tracking program have been an invaluable resource. When I'm out to eat I'm able to look up food to see what the calorie content is like. The program itself is chocked full of data, but I'm also able to connect to the internet on my phone. This means I can even hit up the resturants web page and use tools they provide to help make smart choices. Its been really nice. Sometimes, I even visit the site before going to a resturant and choose what I'm going have ahead of time.

I'm still trying to figure out my exercise routine, which right now largely consists of walking. I like walking, but I really want to get back to doing the elliptical in the morning because its much more efficient at burning calories. Unfortunately, I've been having a hard time waking up... However, the last couple nights I've slept really well, so maybe I'll be able to pull it off tomorrow :-)

Tonight I'm going to face one my largest challenges since starting my program: I'm going to someone elses house for dinner! Hopefully I'm able to be good without offending anyone... but one day isn't going to ruin my last years progress :-)

Diet is a 4 letter word

"The desire to diet isn't just bad feminism. It is also bad faith, for the biblical story of the body is very different from the bodily stories Cosmos and Maxim tell"
Lauren Winner, Mudhouse Sabbath

For some reason, over the last week I've really been confronted by states like the one above from Mudhouse Sabbath. I've never really quite figured out how to take them. I know that statements like this aren't really saying "don't worry about losing weight" but they are really saying things about why we should lose weight, and what our goals should be.

I have been historically bad about setting goals. I knew that I would be done when I was done. I'm happy to say that I'm to that point. I have one last goal in mind, which is to break the halfway mark, which is only 5 lbs away, but I want to lose those 5 lbs over the next month, not over the next 2 weeks like I have been. I only have this goal because it would be neat to say I lost half my weight.

On the other hand, I finally feel like I'm healthy, which is awesome. I feel like there isn't anything I can't do anymore because of my weight. There are somethings that are much more enjoyable now, like baths, because I actually fit in the bath tub. And there are other things I look forward to testing out, such as my fear of heights. Mostly, I was really scared of floors collapsing under my weight. I haven't stood near an edge yet, but I imagine it will be a little less frightening for me.

Despite the fact that I feel healthy, I still don't "love" my body. I think I kinda hoped that losing weight would help me "love" my body, though I also knew all along that that was kind of crazy. I certainly feel better, respect myself more, and think that other people who see me view me better (which for better or worse has an effect on my self-esteem). Another place that I was confronted by the "evils" of dieting was in a magazine in a waiting room called Utne Reader, which had a series of articles about the American attitude towards obesity. In one article called "Love your Fat Self" (which is actually an excerpt from a book called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body) the authors says:

"If you live fat in your head, then you are fat. If you believe you are unattractive, you will experience the world as an unattractive woman. If you hound yourself about everything you put in your mouth, you won’t enjoy eating. Regardless of the number on the scale, if the number inside your head is large, insurmountable, and loaded with meaning, then you will feel weighed down by its implications." Courtney E. Martin

I think that I still think fat. I also know my mom does too. I think the next big hurtle for me to overcome is my attitude towards myself and my body. This is going to be hard because 20 years makes for hard habits to break. I want to do this while I'm still on a structured program because I can be an emotional eater, and I need to learn to have my emotions and not eat them away.

As a final aside, I wanted to also link the other 2 articles from Utne Reader which are also good reads:
Shame on US
The Food Police

Purging, and other thoughts

This weekend I did a lot of house cleaning and one of the things that I've been wanting to do is get rid of all my clothes that are too big. Unfortunately, the task is so daunting because I've been heavy for a long time and I'm a pack rat. However, I finally got it done this weekend. Before I got rid of them, I took a picture of my largest jeans and the new cords i just got. Look at the difference, its amazing!
I also took a picture of my closest. All the empty hangers were once full!


It feels great to be rid of so much stuff.

In other news, the purchase of size 6 pants was really a wake up call for me. I'm starting to get a little nervous about continuing to lose weight at the rate I have been losing. Luckily, I'm starting the transition to veggies and fruit at the end of the week, which will probably slow me down. I really have no desire to get into clothes smaller than a 6, but I'm really nervous about getting back to real food. The structure this diet has provided me is great! I plan on talking to K about how to increase my calorie intact (and thus slow weight loss) while staying very structured.

Anyway, thats all folks!

The trouble with bars

I can't believe its March already!
My life has been really crazy lately. I've been gallivanting around the country interviewing for jobs. Traveling in someways is healthier on a diet like mine (i.e. no temptation from crappy airport fast food) but unfortunately, I have a really hard time staying hydrated when I'm moving around a lot. I also have a hard time exercising when I'm traveling because I find it so tiring that I just want to sleep in the hotel room when I'm not visiting companies for interviews.

Anyway, because of the problems I had on my previous trip, I decided to pick up some BeneFit Bars last week. Because of their convenience, they are perfect for a quick snack when I can't get to a microwave or make a shake. Unfortunately, they are also delicious. The Peanut Butter bar tastes like a Reeces Peanut Butter cup... This meant that something i picked up in case of an emergency turned into a bad habit for me...

Anyway, the combination of BeneFit bars and exercise problems meant that, for the first time since I started my diet, I gained weight! Ok, it was just one tenth of a pound, but still a good reminder that all parts of my diet are important, not just "staying in the box."

On the upside, I've gotten quite a bit better about record keeping! I've been working with my ADD coach and I've actually written what I ate for the last 10 days :-)

Growing?

So, when I created this blog I intended to talk not only about the loss I was seeing but also about the growth I was experiencing through the process. I've spent lots of time talking about my weight loss but little about my mental growth.

Something I would recommend to anyone who has a lot of weight to lose and has tried many times to lose it with little to no success is to see a counselor during the weight loss process. I know that maybe sounds crazy. But really, people eat for a variety of reasons and if you want to change your eating habits you really need to understand why you eat the way you do. Is it because you are bored? depressed? stressed? What happens when you can't use food to deal with those situations anymore? I think talking to a counselor can help you work on new techniques or uncover underlying causes for your behavior.

I learned early on in my diet process that I was "self-medicating" with food and I'm starting now to realize what I was medicating myself for. You see, I get bored very very easily, but I'm super good at following exact directions (as the people I play World of Warcraft with). This means that I'm not terribly happy when I have little to no direction for how to spend my day. When I started my diet, I was really able to pinpoint the moments I would have gotten food or a beverage to stem my boredom or saddness. This happens a lot at work. It goes something like this: Gosh I'm bored with X, I guess I'll head down to the coffee shop and get a chai or a bagel and come back to it. But now that isn't an option... I'm still searching for the replacement.

Another thing I've seen as my body has shrunk, is my self-awareness has grown. In the last year, I've been struggling a lot in graduate school, and because I'm not masking my feelings with food, I've really been faced with understanding what is making me unhappy. Additionally, my confidence in my self and my abilities have grown. These to things have combined to create a "perfect storm" for me to re-evaluate my life directions and goals and what I think it will take to make me happy. Namely, graduating with my masters degree and getting a real job ;-) (I'll talk about my interview worries later).

Also, because my self-awareness has grown I've been better able to pinpoint where and how I struggle most (and would have used food to calm/entertain). As a result, I've been working with my counselor and I was recently diagnoised with AD/HD (inattentive type). I later found out that obesity is common in women with AD/HD.

Anyway, thats a little about my "growth" during this 9 months (!!) process.

Another post is forth coming about my plans for the remainder of my diet (now that I'm 14 pounds from my goal weight).

The march continues forward

Well, I lost another 3 pounds last week, which is very good. I'm kinda surprised the weight loss hasn't slowed down much. I'm sure I won't do as well this week though. I've been super crazy busy and it looks like the busy-ness isn't going to clear up until Dec. 7th (the date of my thesis proposal). The problem with being as busy as I've been is that there is that I have very little time to exercise, and by the time I might be able to exercise, its very late, and I'm exhausted. Not to mention the fact that exercising before bed leads to not sleeping...

Doing some traveling this week.
I'm off to Cleveland to visit my sister and brother-in-law and spending about 4 hours doing work related things in Pittsburgh. Then back home in time for some doctors appointments. And off to G'ma and G'pa for Thanksgiving. I'm still trying to decide what I'm gonna eat though. I kinda wanna figure how to make some sort of pumpkin-y thing, but I might make this cheese-cake thing in our recipe book. I think it will be nice to try something a little new for the special occasion.

Somewhere amid all this traveling, I need to write a 15 page thesis proposal...

Decisions Decisions...

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been thinking a lot about my goals. I've realized, I really need to figure out the rest of my plan... or at least the next step. To be honest, part of me wants to fast until, well... forever, because its easy. And another part of me is getting a little bored and a little jealous of the wonderful food I see other people eating. So, I've decided what my next step is.

There are two things that weighed into this decision. First) I want to fast through the holidays, and 2) my last body composition test suggested that I should probably be around 165 (that is high, mostly because it assumes no lose of lean muscle mass, which will definitely happen). Anyway, so I've decided I will transition to "Healthy Solutions*" after January 17th as soon as I hit 165. That means I will make it through the holidays (and my birthday) and the church mission trip while fasting (which is the easy part) and I'll be at a weight that I'm comfortable with, so the slow down in weight loss on HS won't be devastating.

I still have no idea what my final goal is...

*Healthy solutions is the plan that requires 2 entrees, 3 shakes, and 5 cups of fruits and vegetables. Its recommended for people who want to lose 30 or fewer pounds

Busting right through the 75 lbs mark

After a rough week last week (I only lost 1 lb) I busted right past the 75 lbs mark and I'm closing in on an arbitrarily chosen "pre-qual" weight. I'm fitting nicely now into most of the clothes I bought before the qual (such as the ultra cute pants in the most recent picture) and I should have some really cute outfits to wear to the big family party at the end of the month.

Today also marks the end of the 20th week of my diet program.

The next few days are looking to be tough for me on the exercise front. I have a big school deadline Monday at midnight and then I start an experiment on Tuesday. My days are going to be packed, and I'm going to have a hard time squeezing in my exercise. I'm going to have to work ultra hard to use exercise for recharging my brain.

A Fall-Themed Disaster

So each week, I'm given two assignments that are meant to keep some variety and to keep things from getting to routine. Some of them I remember to do, but I often forget, partly because I like my routine.

Anyway, one of my assignments this week was to have a "Fall-Themed" meal replacement. With this in mind, I picked up some hot cider powder from the store and figured I'd mix it with a vanilla shake. So, today, while packing my food for the day, I grab a packet of cider mix and a vanilla shake to have after lunch.

I mixed it up and tried it... and it was pretty terrible... drinkable, but not exactly enjoyable. I don't know if it was the flavors, or I had too many expectations, or if it was that it was warm. But anyway, for future reference... cider mix and vanilla shake is something I will not do again.

Then again, I shouldn't be so surprised because spiced cider should never be a mix, or made with artificial sweetener. I guess I'll have to wait to have hot cider (or wassail) until after I'm done with this diet.

Sexy?

So a few months ago I read a book called "Sex God" by Rob Bell. Its a great book and I highly recommend it. Anyway, the other day my friend IMed me a link to this blog post about Illustrating BMI in pictures. (Flickr photostream) The post talks about beauty and BMI. In some ways the post is funny because it ranks about being obsessed with changing your BMI (and even makes me feel a little guily about caring). Anyway, this got me thinking about something I read in Sex God.

In the book, Rob Bell tells a story about his child ask his wife "What is sexy?" Her response: Sexy is being comfortable in your own skin.

I looked at the girls and guys in the pictures. Each one of them looks comfortable in their skin. I, on the other hand, am not comfortable in my skin... Unfortunately, I know losing weight won't make me comfortable in my skin (if I thought it would, I probably would have done this a long long time ago)

Oh, and the BMI thing isn't just totally random... There is scientific evidence suggesting that there are good good health reasons to get into the overweight/normal categories. (Oh currently, my BMI is 35, but it was 47 when I started the diet which means I've gone from "Morbidly/Extremely Obese" to just "Obese". My goal weight is in the "Overweight" category.)

In other news: HMR introduced a new option on their diet. Hot Cereal! I've decided to work it into my diet (I'm replacing my Mocha Coffee Shake with a cup of coffee and a bowl on hot cereal) and it is certainly a welcome change. Oh and now I can make oatmeal cookies!

I'll post a new picture soon, I promise.

Obesity Epidemic

Sitting here eating lunch of chicken soup and pudding, I stumbled across an interesting article about obesity on the Washington Post.

According to the article, one's chances of obesity increases when someone in their social network becomes obese. Wow, crazy... I hope I haven't had a negative impact on my friends over the last few months.

Luckily, I know from person experience that the opposite is true. Among obese friends and family members, drastic weight loss also seems to be epidemic. About a year and a half ago, my mother lost a bunch of weight. Her weight loss has since influences several of my aunts and uncles, as well as me. So I guess mom deserves a big thanks!

And while I'm here, I figure I'll share my accomplishments to date: I have lost 40 lbs in the past 8 weeks (an average of 5lbs a week), and I'm really hoping to keep that rate up.

I'm still struggling a little with exercise, though I've been traveling a lot lately, which tends to get in my way. Every week I manage to meet the 2000 calorie goal suggested by the program, but I'd really like to be hitting 3000 (since research suggests that that is what people who successfully keep weight off do). So to help me achieve that, I've decided that I need to try really hard to do about 500 cals of exercise a day (which would work out to 3500 a week).
I think i need to set a "start date" for going back to the gym... I have a friend that has said she'd be my gym buddy 2 days a week, so perhaps we will start going soon.

Well, I need to get my traineo page up to date!

Trips, Treats and lack of motivation

For fear that my friends may beat me up, I decided to update this blog.

So far things on the diet are going very well. After lamenting my boredom to my educator A, I started having 1 HMR entree a night. Its pretty nice to actually get to eat something once a day and then entrees are pretty tasty. I don't do much with them, except spice the hell out of them.

A also sent me a bunch of recipes to try. I intended on trying to make some (like brownies!) before I drove home to visit the 'rents because solid food is much better then liquid when driving. Anyway, for a variety of reason, it didn't happen, but now I have all the ingredients for a bunch of tasty things. And speaking of tasty things, I bought some of the little crystal light things to add to bottled water to try mixing in shakes, and they are great! Finally I've found an acceptable way to make fruity shakes! YAY! I've also taken a liking to the puddings.

Anyway, as I really get into my groove with my diet, I'm finding that I'm getting a little bored of my exercise program. I like DDR a lot, but playing it every day is getting a bit old. I'm thinking about buying myself a PCGamerBike. They seem pretty cool, and they mean that World of Warcraft could be my work out. Anyway, I'm going to deliberate over them for a day or too.

Speaking of new toys. I'm also really considering getting a Smart Phone (specifically, this one: Verizon XV6700). One of the biggest reason is to help me get better about keeping a food diary. I almost always forget my little ledger and I've already lost one since I started the diet. I figure I hardly ever leave my phone at home, so I slick smart phone might really help me improve in this area. I tortured myself over the past week researching the features and applications that can run on the phone, but I'll probably wait a little while on that purchase, but maybe not ;-)

Oh yes, and to save the best for last. I've finally broken the 30lbs mark! I still really need to get some pictures... Maybe tomorrow...

Accomplish and Proud

Its been a rough week, but right now I have a distinct feeling of accomplishments. Just 3 weeks into the diet and I have already lost 20 lbs. I lost nearly 5 lbs this week! And I only managed to exercise 1 day all week. I'm really looking forward to another successful week.

I did, however, make the mistake of starting my exercise at midnight... which means I'm not remotely tired even though its bedtime...

In other news, my TSH levels came back high again, which is a strong indication that I have Hypothyroidism. I'm not terrible surprised because there is family history, nor am I terribly upset about. I've suspected for sometime that I have some thyroid problems, though, I can be a bit of a hypochondriac. Anyway, I'm seeing a doctor about it all early next week, to we'll see what happens. I wonder if the reason it never showed up before was because I've always been sort of sedentary and my thyroid was functioning well enough for my sedentary life style, but as I kick it into gear its having a hard time keeping up.

Oh... and I just noticed... all of labels were either neutral, or negative... That was silly of me... so I added a positive one!

:-) Next week, I'll post my Italian Pancakes recipe! Go me!

Weekly number and update

I'm at annual conference right now (its the legislative meeting for my district of the United Methodist Church) which I really think is my first real test on this diet. I think that I have managed to plan ahead well enough to make sure that I'll be ok during the weekend. I decided to make tons of chicken soup crackers, which seem to be a good way to make sure that I have something I can eat if I get hungry. I was really glad to get the recipe for them when I meet with A, my health educator in the program. All I needed to do was to just follow the recipe and it worked really well! And they are actually tasty and CRUNCHY! So nice to eat something that crunches!

Anyway, what you all really want to know is what my number for the week. This week (Thursday - Wed. Morning) I lost 6 lbs!! That means I've lost a total of 15lbs in 2 weeks! So cool and encouraging. Anyway, I'm sure that I'll lose less next week, especially because getting my PA in for this week will be tough.

Oh, and I hope to post a pancake recipe soon. I'm still getting it perfected.

This post is brought to you by the number 9!

If you happened to look at my traineo page you my have noticed that I lost 9 pounds in my first week of the HMR program. I'm really excited about it and I really wish I could expect that every week... but alas, that isn't the case. Anyway, its really encouraging, so I thought I would share the positive result with internet land ;-)

Week 2 begins: Exhausted, P.A., and goal update

For the first time since I started the diet, I feel physically exhausted. I did not want to get out of bed today and I'm definitely concerned about my ability to do anything that requires any kind of strength. Sleeping late today, however, was the not the first indicator that the diet is affecting my strength. The other day I was leaning over stuff (using my hand on the wall to support myself) to shut of my alarm and I fell... Like my arm couldn't support my weight against the wall. It was not a good start to the day... I'm assuming that as I exercise I will start to get stronger, but I also imagine that will take some time.

Also, in a similar vein, I'm trying to figure out how to get back into the groove of going to the gym. A few years ago, I used to get up early (6:30 or 7:00 am) and go to the campus gym. I'd spend an hour there 5 days doing weight lifting and aerobic exercise. I really need to start doing that again. I remember having a lot more energy when I did that. Though, I really wish the university had circuit training facilities like my undergrad did. Anyway, I figure that the summer is a good time to get back into that groove, but I just need to start going... Unfortunately, waking up at 6:30 or 7:00 am will be hard to do considering how tired I am... But I really want to start going again.

Oh, today I was doing some mental calculations to think about how much weight I should be losing to reach my goal. I calculated, that to meet my goal, I need to be losing 6lbs a week! As a result, I'm going to update my goal a little bit, to make it more attainable. It will still be a stretch, but more realistic.

Anyway, I've made it 6 days and offically start week 2 of the program today!

Day 3: Things are going a little better

I'm in the middle of day three now of this diet. The first day was particularly difficult. I ended up having 7 shakes that day and I had some serious cravings. I went to bed really early to try to keep myself from eating. NN was a sweetheart and tried to make me feel better. Yesterday went a lot better. I went a friend's baby shower, and I managed to keep away from any of the finger foods, though I left a little early because I was getting hungry and I didn't want to make a big deal of making another shake. Today is going reasonably well too.

Over the last three days, I realized that I really am going to have a hard time with eating, err drinking, sweet stuff all the time, and I'm definitely going to missing things that "crunch." Also, I'm a little worried about becoming the "center of attention" as I do that things that I need to do for my diet. I think that I will have a hard time going places with lots of people (esp. people I don't know) and having to go make a shake... I dunno... It's probably all in my head. Anyway... I'm looking forward to going to my friend's place for her memorial day bbq.

The countdown is over

I'm sitting in a coffee shop with a friend as I await heading to my Intro class for the HRM program. Tomorrow I start the diet.

This week has been fun, eating all the stuff that I think I'll miss and thinking about the consequences of being overweight that I'll be happy to be rid of. As the week has gone by since that initial appointment I'm getting more and more excited about getting started.

The greatest thing so far is the support I've been getting from my friends and family as I begin this incredible journey. I know that I'll have people to pick me up if I stumble or fall.

Anyway, here I go! Hopefully it'll be a good ride.

Test Post

I want to test how labels work. So... I'm going to put all the labels that I will use on this post :-)

go me!