Diet is a 4 letter word

"The desire to diet isn't just bad feminism. It is also bad faith, for the biblical story of the body is very different from the bodily stories Cosmos and Maxim tell"
Lauren Winner, Mudhouse Sabbath

For some reason, over the last week I've really been confronted by states like the one above from Mudhouse Sabbath. I've never really quite figured out how to take them. I know that statements like this aren't really saying "don't worry about losing weight" but they are really saying things about why we should lose weight, and what our goals should be.

I have been historically bad about setting goals. I knew that I would be done when I was done. I'm happy to say that I'm to that point. I have one last goal in mind, which is to break the halfway mark, which is only 5 lbs away, but I want to lose those 5 lbs over the next month, not over the next 2 weeks like I have been. I only have this goal because it would be neat to say I lost half my weight.

On the other hand, I finally feel like I'm healthy, which is awesome. I feel like there isn't anything I can't do anymore because of my weight. There are somethings that are much more enjoyable now, like baths, because I actually fit in the bath tub. And there are other things I look forward to testing out, such as my fear of heights. Mostly, I was really scared of floors collapsing under my weight. I haven't stood near an edge yet, but I imagine it will be a little less frightening for me.

Despite the fact that I feel healthy, I still don't "love" my body. I think I kinda hoped that losing weight would help me "love" my body, though I also knew all along that that was kind of crazy. I certainly feel better, respect myself more, and think that other people who see me view me better (which for better or worse has an effect on my self-esteem). Another place that I was confronted by the "evils" of dieting was in a magazine in a waiting room called Utne Reader, which had a series of articles about the American attitude towards obesity. In one article called "Love your Fat Self" (which is actually an excerpt from a book called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body) the authors says:

"If you live fat in your head, then you are fat. If you believe you are unattractive, you will experience the world as an unattractive woman. If you hound yourself about everything you put in your mouth, you won’t enjoy eating. Regardless of the number on the scale, if the number inside your head is large, insurmountable, and loaded with meaning, then you will feel weighed down by its implications." Courtney E. Martin

I think that I still think fat. I also know my mom does too. I think the next big hurtle for me to overcome is my attitude towards myself and my body. This is going to be hard because 20 years makes for hard habits to break. I want to do this while I'm still on a structured program because I can be an emotional eater, and I need to learn to have my emotions and not eat them away.

As a final aside, I wanted to also link the other 2 articles from Utne Reader which are also good reads:
Shame on US
The Food Police

Purging, and other thoughts

This weekend I did a lot of house cleaning and one of the things that I've been wanting to do is get rid of all my clothes that are too big. Unfortunately, the task is so daunting because I've been heavy for a long time and I'm a pack rat. However, I finally got it done this weekend. Before I got rid of them, I took a picture of my largest jeans and the new cords i just got. Look at the difference, its amazing!
I also took a picture of my closest. All the empty hangers were once full!


It feels great to be rid of so much stuff.

In other news, the purchase of size 6 pants was really a wake up call for me. I'm starting to get a little nervous about continuing to lose weight at the rate I have been losing. Luckily, I'm starting the transition to veggies and fruit at the end of the week, which will probably slow me down. I really have no desire to get into clothes smaller than a 6, but I'm really nervous about getting back to real food. The structure this diet has provided me is great! I plan on talking to K about how to increase my calorie intact (and thus slow weight loss) while staying very structured.

Anyway, thats all folks!

Growing?

So, when I created this blog I intended to talk not only about the loss I was seeing but also about the growth I was experiencing through the process. I've spent lots of time talking about my weight loss but little about my mental growth.

Something I would recommend to anyone who has a lot of weight to lose and has tried many times to lose it with little to no success is to see a counselor during the weight loss process. I know that maybe sounds crazy. But really, people eat for a variety of reasons and if you want to change your eating habits you really need to understand why you eat the way you do. Is it because you are bored? depressed? stressed? What happens when you can't use food to deal with those situations anymore? I think talking to a counselor can help you work on new techniques or uncover underlying causes for your behavior.

I learned early on in my diet process that I was "self-medicating" with food and I'm starting now to realize what I was medicating myself for. You see, I get bored very very easily, but I'm super good at following exact directions (as the people I play World of Warcraft with). This means that I'm not terribly happy when I have little to no direction for how to spend my day. When I started my diet, I was really able to pinpoint the moments I would have gotten food or a beverage to stem my boredom or saddness. This happens a lot at work. It goes something like this: Gosh I'm bored with X, I guess I'll head down to the coffee shop and get a chai or a bagel and come back to it. But now that isn't an option... I'm still searching for the replacement.

Another thing I've seen as my body has shrunk, is my self-awareness has grown. In the last year, I've been struggling a lot in graduate school, and because I'm not masking my feelings with food, I've really been faced with understanding what is making me unhappy. Additionally, my confidence in my self and my abilities have grown. These to things have combined to create a "perfect storm" for me to re-evaluate my life directions and goals and what I think it will take to make me happy. Namely, graduating with my masters degree and getting a real job ;-) (I'll talk about my interview worries later).

Also, because my self-awareness has grown I've been better able to pinpoint where and how I struggle most (and would have used food to calm/entertain). As a result, I've been working with my counselor and I was recently diagnoised with AD/HD (inattentive type). I later found out that obesity is common in women with AD/HD.

Anyway, thats a little about my "growth" during this 9 months (!!) process.

Another post is forth coming about my plans for the remainder of my diet (now that I'm 14 pounds from my goal weight).