Diet is a 4 letter word

"The desire to diet isn't just bad feminism. It is also bad faith, for the biblical story of the body is very different from the bodily stories Cosmos and Maxim tell"
Lauren Winner, Mudhouse Sabbath

For some reason, over the last week I've really been confronted by states like the one above from Mudhouse Sabbath. I've never really quite figured out how to take them. I know that statements like this aren't really saying "don't worry about losing weight" but they are really saying things about why we should lose weight, and what our goals should be.

I have been historically bad about setting goals. I knew that I would be done when I was done. I'm happy to say that I'm to that point. I have one last goal in mind, which is to break the halfway mark, which is only 5 lbs away, but I want to lose those 5 lbs over the next month, not over the next 2 weeks like I have been. I only have this goal because it would be neat to say I lost half my weight.

On the other hand, I finally feel like I'm healthy, which is awesome. I feel like there isn't anything I can't do anymore because of my weight. There are somethings that are much more enjoyable now, like baths, because I actually fit in the bath tub. And there are other things I look forward to testing out, such as my fear of heights. Mostly, I was really scared of floors collapsing under my weight. I haven't stood near an edge yet, but I imagine it will be a little less frightening for me.

Despite the fact that I feel healthy, I still don't "love" my body. I think I kinda hoped that losing weight would help me "love" my body, though I also knew all along that that was kind of crazy. I certainly feel better, respect myself more, and think that other people who see me view me better (which for better or worse has an effect on my self-esteem). Another place that I was confronted by the "evils" of dieting was in a magazine in a waiting room called Utne Reader, which had a series of articles about the American attitude towards obesity. In one article called "Love your Fat Self" (which is actually an excerpt from a book called Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: The Frightening New Normalcy of Hating Your Body) the authors says:

"If you live fat in your head, then you are fat. If you believe you are unattractive, you will experience the world as an unattractive woman. If you hound yourself about everything you put in your mouth, you won’t enjoy eating. Regardless of the number on the scale, if the number inside your head is large, insurmountable, and loaded with meaning, then you will feel weighed down by its implications." Courtney E. Martin

I think that I still think fat. I also know my mom does too. I think the next big hurtle for me to overcome is my attitude towards myself and my body. This is going to be hard because 20 years makes for hard habits to break. I want to do this while I'm still on a structured program because I can be an emotional eater, and I need to learn to have my emotions and not eat them away.

As a final aside, I wanted to also link the other 2 articles from Utne Reader which are also good reads:
Shame on US
The Food Police

Purging, and other thoughts

This weekend I did a lot of house cleaning and one of the things that I've been wanting to do is get rid of all my clothes that are too big. Unfortunately, the task is so daunting because I've been heavy for a long time and I'm a pack rat. However, I finally got it done this weekend. Before I got rid of them, I took a picture of my largest jeans and the new cords i just got. Look at the difference, its amazing!
I also took a picture of my closest. All the empty hangers were once full!


It feels great to be rid of so much stuff.

In other news, the purchase of size 6 pants was really a wake up call for me. I'm starting to get a little nervous about continuing to lose weight at the rate I have been losing. Luckily, I'm starting the transition to veggies and fruit at the end of the week, which will probably slow me down. I really have no desire to get into clothes smaller than a 6, but I'm really nervous about getting back to real food. The structure this diet has provided me is great! I plan on talking to K about how to increase my calorie intact (and thus slow weight loss) while staying very structured.

Anyway, thats all folks!

Shopping adventures

Today, I went out to purchase a one outfit that actually fit me. My goal was to find a jacket that I liked and then build an outfit around it. I successfully found a blazer and a shirt at New York and Co on the clearance rack. To my surprise, the jacket was a size 6! I figured at the time, it must but just a mis-size. That was until I went to Kohls to pick out some pants. On the instruction of my much more fashionable sister I was searching for some trouser jeans. When I found a pair I grab 2 of the rack and headed to the dressing room, only to find that both the 8 and 10 were too big... I wandered back and grabbed a 6 and a clearanced pair of cords that i had noticed before, but brushed off because they were a 6. Much to my surprised and astonishment, I left Kohls with 2 size 6 pants.
Anyway, here are some pictures of my new purchases:

I'm normal!

Today, I hit a major milestone. For the first time in my adult life, I officially have a healthy weight according to the BMI charts! I can't believe how far I have come! Last may I was morbidly obese and now, I am normal and it feels great.

The other thing that this milestone means is that I can start to look forward to the future and the time when I will focus on maintaining a healthy weight for the rest of my (now statistically longer) life. I told my health educator that 2 weeks from today I want to transition to Healthy Solutions. Healthy Solutions is a diet program designed to help people lose about 30 lbs over the course of 12 weeks. The plan is to have 3 shakes, 2 entrees and 5 cups of fruits and vegetables a day. I will go through a 4 (maybe longer) week transitional period during which I will slowly add vegetables and fruit into my diet.

I have been pretty reluctant to switch to this program because I hear lots of people complain about slow loses (like .5 lbs a week) on the program. Despite encouragement from some friends and family, I held out because I'm pretty concerned about being frustrated. As a result, i decided to wait until any additional weight loss during the HS diet would be like icing on the cake.

I don't know how long I'll be on Healthy Solutions. I've really enjoyed the structure that I get in this program so adding the variety may be a bit of a challenge for me. Also, to make things harder, I will be moving across the country in June and I'm not really sure what how that is going to impact my diet. Right now, I plan on sticking to fruits and vegetables through the move, if anything, because its easy.

Finally though, I'm seeing light at the end of the tunnel. And I can't wait to have some asparagus!

The trouble with bars

I can't believe its March already!
My life has been really crazy lately. I've been gallivanting around the country interviewing for jobs. Traveling in someways is healthier on a diet like mine (i.e. no temptation from crappy airport fast food) but unfortunately, I have a really hard time staying hydrated when I'm moving around a lot. I also have a hard time exercising when I'm traveling because I find it so tiring that I just want to sleep in the hotel room when I'm not visiting companies for interviews.

Anyway, because of the problems I had on my previous trip, I decided to pick up some BeneFit Bars last week. Because of their convenience, they are perfect for a quick snack when I can't get to a microwave or make a shake. Unfortunately, they are also delicious. The Peanut Butter bar tastes like a Reeces Peanut Butter cup... This meant that something i picked up in case of an emergency turned into a bad habit for me...

Anyway, the combination of BeneFit bars and exercise problems meant that, for the first time since I started my diet, I gained weight! Ok, it was just one tenth of a pound, but still a good reminder that all parts of my diet are important, not just "staying in the box."

On the upside, I've gotten quite a bit better about record keeping! I've been working with my ADD coach and I've actually written what I ate for the last 10 days :-)

No Excuse is Good Enough!

This has been my mantra from the day I started my diet. I am well known for it. Sometimes people will say things to me like "But U of I hasn't been to the rose bowl in 30 years!" to which I coyly respond "My grandma only turned 90 once."

I know for some people, unbendingly following the rules doesn't work, but for me, its vital. I think that once I cheat once, then 2nd time will be easier.

However, this weekend I was about 10 minutes away from an acceptable excuse. I was running really late to my flight out of Seattle (it left at 9am and I rolled out of bed at 7:30). While I managed to get to the airport 50 minutes before my flight, as I was rushing to my gate, I realized had I been only marginally slower (or lines had been longer) I wouldn't have had time to make my breakfast (coffee and chocolate). In which case, I wouldn't have been able to eat "in the box" until my layover in Chicago. 4 hours on a flight without eating would have killed me. I think i probably would have purchased an apple or banana at the store on my way to the gate just as something to eat.... Before my next trip, I think I'm gonna pick up some HMR Bars for just that kind of emergency. (I generally avoid the bars because they are too much like candy bars)

Growing?

So, when I created this blog I intended to talk not only about the loss I was seeing but also about the growth I was experiencing through the process. I've spent lots of time talking about my weight loss but little about my mental growth.

Something I would recommend to anyone who has a lot of weight to lose and has tried many times to lose it with little to no success is to see a counselor during the weight loss process. I know that maybe sounds crazy. But really, people eat for a variety of reasons and if you want to change your eating habits you really need to understand why you eat the way you do. Is it because you are bored? depressed? stressed? What happens when you can't use food to deal with those situations anymore? I think talking to a counselor can help you work on new techniques or uncover underlying causes for your behavior.

I learned early on in my diet process that I was "self-medicating" with food and I'm starting now to realize what I was medicating myself for. You see, I get bored very very easily, but I'm super good at following exact directions (as the people I play World of Warcraft with). This means that I'm not terribly happy when I have little to no direction for how to spend my day. When I started my diet, I was really able to pinpoint the moments I would have gotten food or a beverage to stem my boredom or saddness. This happens a lot at work. It goes something like this: Gosh I'm bored with X, I guess I'll head down to the coffee shop and get a chai or a bagel and come back to it. But now that isn't an option... I'm still searching for the replacement.

Another thing I've seen as my body has shrunk, is my self-awareness has grown. In the last year, I've been struggling a lot in graduate school, and because I'm not masking my feelings with food, I've really been faced with understanding what is making me unhappy. Additionally, my confidence in my self and my abilities have grown. These to things have combined to create a "perfect storm" for me to re-evaluate my life directions and goals and what I think it will take to make me happy. Namely, graduating with my masters degree and getting a real job ;-) (I'll talk about my interview worries later).

Also, because my self-awareness has grown I've been better able to pinpoint where and how I struggle most (and would have used food to calm/entertain). As a result, I've been working with my counselor and I was recently diagnoised with AD/HD (inattentive type). I later found out that obesity is common in women with AD/HD.

Anyway, thats a little about my "growth" during this 9 months (!!) process.

Another post is forth coming about my plans for the remainder of my diet (now that I'm 14 pounds from my goal weight).